


The Art of Letting Go

by unkissed



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 13:34:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3292202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unkissed/pseuds/unkissed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a subtle art to letting go.  Letting go takes time, but nobody really has time to wait for you to fully arrive, so you fake it, hoping that eventually, what you feel on the inside will match the tranquil picture you project on the outside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> This story relates to several stories in The Chronicles of Teddy and James by ColorfulStabwound, as well as all the stories in my unfinished series, The Color of Deception, and the story "The Death of Us All". Several references are made to things that happen in these other stories. "The Art of Letting Go" could probably stand on its own, but it would help if you read the related material, either before or after.
> 
> Thanks to my partner in crime, ColorfulStabwound for friendship, support, and inspiration.
> 
> For Jamie, who belonged to Teddy before he belonged to the world.

There is a subtle art to letting go.

Letting go takes time, but nobody really has time to wait for you to fully arrive, so you fake it, hoping that eventually, what you feel on the inside will match the tranquil picture you project on the outside.

It involves constructing a mask to hide your pain, and a suit of armor to protect you from sustaining more injury. It involves weaving little white lies and practicing your _act_ for the biggest theatrical production of your life called _Moving On_.  Because nobody believes that you’ve let go until you’ve proven that you’ve moved on.

Teddy Lupin has yet to master the art of letting go. Because letting go means resigning to the fact that you’re not going to get what you want. Letting go means hanging up all your hopes, turning off the lights, and shutting the door on unexplored possibilities. And, despite what Teddy says, he can’t do any of that.  He’s never been able to.

  

~@~

  

James Sirius Potter, Gryffindor extraordinaire, who always lived life out loud with no filter, left for Dorset to train with Puddlemere United Quidditch a few days after stepping off the Hogwarts Express for the last time. His surname made the press take notice and his charm made him a media darling.  He was a quidditch star even before he left the bench of the reserves.

James had never belonged to anyone, except perhaps to Teddy. Now that he was a celebrity, Jamie belonged to the whole world.  Teddy should’ve been happy to let him go.  But Teddy wasn’t.  Despite everything that Teddy told himself about how proud he was of Jamie and how he wouldn’t dream of ever holding him back from success for selfish reasons, Teddy still couldn’t let go.  And every day without Jamie was a quiet, hidden agony.

  

Unlike Teddy, Jamie is a champion of letting things roll off his back – a true master in the art of letting go.  This became apparent to Teddy a lot sooner than he expected, and much too soon for his liking, if he was truly honest with himself.

“How’s your brother?” Teddy asked Lily casually, sitting beside her in a train car very tightly packed with Weasleys, Potters, and Scorpius Malfoy, who was practically on Albie’s lap in the seat across. It was late December, and everyone on the Hogwarts Express was heading home for the winter holidays.

“He’s doing well, I guess,” Lily answered with a shrug. “Doesn’t he write to you?”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t say much,” Teddy admitted, “It’s hard to gage from his letters.  He tells me about quidditch and stuff, but that’s about it.”

Lily’s lips quirked into an astute smirk.  “Oh, I see.  You want gossip.”

Teddy tried to feign innocence, but failed.  “I just want to be on top of what’s going on. I don’t want to be the last to know at Christmas dinner.”

“Mm-hm.” Lily would not be fooled.  “Well, I promised Jamie I wouldn’t ruin the surprise, but he’s bringing somebody home for Christmas.”  She paused for dramatic effect and added, “It’s not a girl.”

It hit Teddy hard in the chest and he was momentarily struck speechless.  He swallowed the lump in his throat and asked, attempting to sound nonchalant, “That’s nice – who is it?”

“His name is Kiernan,” Lily told him, unaware how much this information would hurt Teddy.

But Teddy didn’t blame her – nobody had known about his relationship with Jamie, which had begun during Jamie’s final year at Hogwarts. It had been a secret, not only because Jamie and Teddy were practically brothers, but because Teddy was his Transfiguration professor.

Lily went on, proud of her insight, “He’s a journalist for Quidditch Today. Jamie didn’t call him his boyfriend, but come on.  He’s never brought anybody to Christmas before.  They’re obviously dating and it’s obviously serious.”

Every word was like a stab in the chest and Teddy was so wrought with holes that he had to excuse himself from the train compartment, lest all his insides spill onto the floor.  In the bathroom mirror, Teddy glared at his hair, uselessly willing it to change from its ugly green hue back to a more sedate color that didn’t announce his jealousy so loudly.  He fought back angry tears and told himself that he shouldn’t be so upset.

Teddy had gone into this thing with Jamie without expectations, and had tried to exit with just as many.  But really, how could Teddy _not_ expect Jamie to find somebody else, when the whole world wanted a piece of him? In the back of his mind, he had always known that Jamie would likely have a revolving door for lovers, being exceptionally gorgeous and charming and now famous.  He could’ve dealt with Jamie’s promiscuity.  But Jamie in an actual relationship with somebody else was something Teddy couldn’t have foreseen or prepared himself for. He found himself terribly bitter.

He had but a day to construct the mask and the armor he needed to wear to Christmas at The Burrow in order to face Jamie and Kiernan. A day was not nearly enough. A lifetime wouldn’t be enough. But he grit his teeth and smiled and kept his violently-reacting hair hidden under a fedora.

Kiernan Ryan was everything Teddy knew he would be and every bit worthy enough to compel Jamie to take him home to meet his family. Kiernan was infuriatingly charismatic with an endearing Irish accent, and ridiculously handsome with blond curls. He was twenty-four, the same age as Teddy.  Just one day shy of nineteen, Jamie apparently had no qualms about taking his older boyfriend home to meet his parents, whereas Teddy had gone through hell over their age difference. 

Everybody in the family seemed to like Kiernan, yet nobody wanted to address the elephant in the room, which was quite unlike the Potter-Weasley clan, who often spoke without reservations.  Nobody asked if Jamie’s _special friend_ was actually his boyfriend – at least nobody asked within Teddy’s earshot. 

This family was _not_ uncomfortable with or unaccustomed to people who were not straight. Charlie Weasley was openly gay and had been out of the closet for ages.  Albus proudly flaunted his romantic relationship with Scorpius at every opportunity.  Coming out as bisexual, or whatever he was, would’ve been a non-issue for Jamie, and Teddy couldn’t understand why Jamie and everyone else had not acknowledged it.

Teddy made a quick and polite exit after dinner, unwilling to hang around to watch Jamie and Kiernan getting comfortable on the sofa, even though they were making a concerted effort to not look too much like a couple. That night, the perfect picture of Jamie and Kiernan together had burned itself on Teddy’s mind and plagued his restless sleep. Despite the way it hurt to see Jamie with somebody else, it was still good to see Jamie at all.

 

Jamie didn’t make it any easier for Teddy to let things go and to move on. The next day, Jamie showed up at Gran’s house, behaving as if the events of the past year and a half hadn’t happened, as if they were the same brothers that they’d always been before Jamie had confessed his love.

“It’s my birthday.  I always spend my birthday with you,” Jamie declared resolutely, “You’re taking me out for a drink.”

Teddy rubbed his eyes tiredly and sighed.  “I’m really not in the mood to go on a bender with you and your mates.”

“Who said anything about my mates?  Just you and me, Teddy.  Come on.”  Jamie flashed a crooked smile at Teddy, likely knowing full well what that smirk did to him.

Teddy never could say _no_ to Jamie, or rather, Jamie could never take _no_ for an answer.  For a couple of hours at the pub, it was easy to turn back time and fall into their old roles, and even easier to forget the existence of Kiernan Ryan in Jamie’s life. At the end of the night, Teddy was lubricated with just enough alcohol to bring him up.

“So, this Kiernan bloke,” Teddy began as they strolled down the dark lane back to his Gran’s house.

“Yeah, about that,” Jamie cut in, quick to reveal only what he was willing to reveal before Teddy could ask any questions that he didn’t want to answer, “It’s not as serious as it looks.”

Teddy couldn’t help but scoff, “I don’t know, James. You took him home to meet your family. That’s not something you do for a one-night-stand.”

“No, but there exists something between _one-night-stand_ and _serious_ , you know,” Jamie pointed out. He added with a shrug, vaguely justifying his actions, not that Jamie ever felt he had to justify his actions in his whole life, “Anyway, he had nowhere to go for Christmas.”

Teddy should’ve known he wouldn’t get much out of Jamie, not without several more drinks.  And if Jamie was as happy as he seemed with Kiernan, who was Teddy to ruin that, especially on Jamie’s birthday? 

When they reached the front door of Gran’s, Teddy somehow found it in his crushed soul to take Jamie by the shoulders and said, “I’m glad you found somebody who’s good for you.  Kiernan seems like a stand-up guy.”

James smirked darkly, his stormy blue eyes glinting in the light of the moon, “Yeah.  But when have I ever wanted what’s good for me?”

Teddy could only laugh with amusement, shaking his head incredulously. He let his hands fall from Jamie’s shoulders and said with a weary sigh, “Good night, Jamie.  Happy birthday.”

“You’re not going to invite me in?” Jamie drawled, edging closer to Teddy. 

Teddy couldn’t tell if James was joking or drunk or honestly making a move. But he knew that it was in the best interest of his heart to end the night there.  “I shouldn’t,” he said, glancing away.

Jamie, being Jamie, wouldn’t have it.  “But you will, because you miss me.”  He rested his hands on the door behind Teddy and fenced him in with his arms.

Teddy’s eyes fluttered closed as he felt the warmth of Jamie’s breath against his jaw, and it caused an upwelling of painful yearning that had been buried deep for months.  He spoke quietly, “I will, if you can honestly say that you miss me too.”

Jamie groaned hotly against Teddy’s ear, “So fucking much.”

 

It was on the floor of Teddy’s childhood bedroom, behind a locked door and surrounded by several enchantments to ensure Gran stayed blissfully asleep and unaware, that Jamie made it completely impossible for Teddy to ever let go of what they had.  It was there, on the scratchy rug that would rub their skin raw, that Jamie reminded him how perfectly they fit together.  And buried deep within the bliss of Jamie’s warmth, Teddy was reminded how much they loved each other.

Teddy loved Jamie so much that it hurt.  He couldn’t let go of the idea of being with Jamie. Ever.  Not as long as Jamie’s love lit the horizon at the end of the vast, desolate darkness that stretched for miles before them.

That night, Teddy made sure that Jamie wouldn’t forget him. Perhaps he was less gentle than he was normally with Jamie.  And perhaps the words he had whispered in the midst of ecstasy were more possessive than he meant them to be.  But if there was ever a time to make every moment count, this was one of them.

When they collapsed into a sweaty, sticky, heap of tangled limbs, it was nearly dawn.  They found their way into Teddy’s too-small bed and wrapped themselves around each other.

“Is he good to you?” Teddy asked after a long, comfortable silence.

“I think the question you _really_ want to ask is if Kiernan fucks me like you do,” said Jamie, lighthearted yet blunt as ever.

Teddy laughed softly against Jamie’s damp skin and didn’t pursue a real answer, even if the answer might have stroked his ego. He didn’t want to know anything about Jamie’s sex life outside of the one they shared.

But Jamie offered anyway, changing from sarcastic to earnest in a heartbeat that Teddy could feel, “He doesn’t.  Nobody does.  Nobody ever will.”

Teddy knew it had nothing to do with Jamie’s perception of Teddy’s prowess as a lover.  It had everything to do with the way Teddy loved him.  But loving each other didn’t change the fact that their careers made sustaining a relationship impossible. Teddy was tied to a castle in Scotland, while Jamie’s rigorous schedule with Puddlemere United took him all over the world. 

When Jamie left for Dorset, he left Teddy with unanswered questions and undefined lines.

 

~@~

 

It had been the second day of the New Year when Jamie had left. And Teddy was now preparing to return to Hogwarts.  Harry had invited him out to lunch in Wizarding London, which was not unusual. Teddy had not planned on talking to Harry about James, but he knew that he needed to talk to _somebody_.

“Were you married to Ginny when she played for the Harpies?” Teddy asked him, segueing flawlessly into the topic from a conversation about the latest quidditch rankings.  He’d always felt comfortable asking Harry about anything, but as an adult, he felt it was tacky to be as blunt as he’d once been as a child.

“She’d been playing for a year when we were married,” Harry answered, stirring his coffee without needing to touch the spoon.

“Did she quit after you were married?” asked Teddy, busying himself with his tea.

“No, she played for a couple more years.  She quit when she became pregnant with James. I guess you were too young to remember,” Harry said with a wistful smile.

“I imagine she was away a lot with the team. That must have been hard for you two,” Teddy presumed.

“It was.  We pretty much had a long-distance relationship during quidditch season and training. But we managed,” Harry replied and then asked a question of his own, perhaps teasingly, “Why?  Are you thinking about marrying a quidditch player?”

“Maybe.”  Teddy shrugged and tried to hide his blush behind a large mug.  “I’m just curious how you dealt with living separate lives while sustaining a marriage.  I mean, you and Ginny are a stellar couple.  We should all hope for a marriage such as yours.”

Harry grinned proudly.  “Well, thank you Teddy.  I’m happy we could be a model of a good relationship for you.”

Teddy glanced away, a bit sheepishly.  “If only I’d followed that model.  You know I’ve not been so successful in the relationship department.”

Harry nodded solemnly.  He had only known half of Teddy’s heartache, and that half was bad enough on its own without adding Jamie to the mix. 

Harry admitted, “If it makes you feel any better, Ginny and I weren’t always stellar. The year she was recruited by the Harpies while I was in the Auror Academy, we nearly broke up.” He lowered his voice before he continued.  “We’ve never told the kids this, and I trust you’ll keep this between us, but Ginny had her, erm, _indiscretions_ while away. We probably should’ve just had an open relationship at the time. Would’ve saved us both a lot of grief.”

It came as quite a shock, and it took Teddy a little while to process it, during which Harry looked on worriedly.  If Harry and Ginny, the most perfect couple he’d ever known, hid a past of infidelity and hardship, perhaps Teddy and Jamie had a chance.

“You won’t let this change your perception of Ginny, I hope,” said Harry.  “You have to understand that we were both quite young.  Ginny was nineteen when she started playing pro.  She was twenty when we got married.  I couldn’t leave Auror Academy to go see her, and she couldn’t come home for weeks at a time.  She was lonely.  But we never stopped loving each other.”

“I understand completely,” Teddy reassured him. “I certainly won’t hold it against her if you don’t.  I’m just amazed that you stayed together at all.  Separation like that, to me, seems pretty prohibitive of a relationship.”

“Well, Teddy,” Harry began with a small sigh, and Teddy knew that he was about to give one of his much appreciated life lesson analogies, “When you love somebody deeply enough, you see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it gets you through the difficult times. You’ll walk through the tunnel alone, stumbling around in the dark along the way, and that tiny bit of light in the distance will keep you going. It takes a lot of faith and hope and trust, and quite a bit of acceptance and forgiveness when things get rough. But in the end, you’ll come out of that tunnel and you’ll be together.”

Teddy nodded slowly, feeling marginally better. He thanked Harry for his insight before moving on to other things, like Albie’s worrisome low marks in Transfiguration, lest Harry start to catch on to why Teddy was so interested in learning how to navigate a relationship with a quidditch player. But at the end of lunch, the conversation came back around to the topic of the love lives of quidditch players.

“What do you think of this Kiernan fellow?” Harry asked, furrowing his brow slightly.  “What do you suppose he expects from Jamie?”

“He seems alright, I guess,” he mumbled, trying to swallow his bitterness with a sip of hot tea, both of which scalded down his throat, “but you’re going to have to talk to Jamie about that.  It’s hardly my place.”

“Oh, come on.”  Harry gave him a pointed look.  “You think I don’t know what’s going on between them?”

Teddy put his hands up.  “Harry, you’re putting me in a weird spot here.  I’m not going to tell you things about Jamie before Jamie’s ready for you to know.  Judging from Christmas, he’s not quite there yet.”

“Fair enough,” Harry conceded, “But I’m his dad, and I think it’s righteously my place to say what I think.  And I think Kiernan could be really good for Jamie. I just don’t trust that Jamie won’t go and screw it up.  I’d hate to see a good guy like Kiernan get his heart broken.  I’ve been watching Jamie breaking hearts since he was a kid, and let me tell you, it hasn’t gotten any easier to watch.  He’s grown up now, and I know it’s not like when he was younger – he’ll break hearts and ruin lives.  Not because he’s a bad person.  But because he’s just so damn flippant.”

“I know, Harry,” said Teddy, sighing deeply with the weight of his own breaking heart.  “There’s nothing I can do about it.  I can’t look out for him like I used to.  And anyway, he needs to learn how to clean up after himself.  If that means he has to make a big, ugly mess to learn, then you just have to let him, Harry.”

“You’re right.”  Harry’s eyes turned glassy with unshed tears behind his spectacles. “But he’s my boy. My first-born. My Jamie.  It’s not easy letting go.”

“No, it isn’t,” Teddy agreed. “It’s the hardest thing we’ll ever have to do.”

  

~@~

 

Teddy couldn’t bring himself to visit Gran for the Easter holidays. He didn’t want to face the prospect of dinner at The Potters’ watching Jamie latch onto Kiernan, even if there was a slight chance of having Jamie naked on the floor of his old bedroom later.  He voluntarily stayed at Hogwarts, venturing outside the castle only once to have brunch with Gran in Hogsmeade on Easter Sunday. 

He spent Monday re-alphabetizing the books in his private staff quarters after Peeves had not only shuffled them, but had turned the spines to face the wall.  It was probably not a random strike, for it was well known by now, perhaps even amongst the ghosts and poltergeists of the castle, that Teddy was obsessively organized. Teddy was nearly halfway done re-shelving the books when the door creaked open.  Teddy swung around, expecting to find Peeves hell-bent on causing chaos with his books again, but instead saw James leaning casually on the doorframe.

Dressed in slacks and a pressed button-down shirt, Jamie looked out of place in the school, and for a moment, Teddy wondered if it was just a vision that his mind conjured out of loneliness.  The last time he’d seen Jamie here, propping up the doorframe with a sultry smirk just like that, he’d been in school robes. He’d been younger and leaner. A man now stood before him, where once there had been a boy.  And he took Teddy’s breath away.  Maybe it was quidditch, or perhaps just time well spent in the real world, that had rendered Jamie a fuller, more mature version of the person Teddy had last seen at Christmas.

Jamie raked his fingers through his hair and intoned smoothly, “I’ll help you alphabetize your books if you promise it’ll end the same way it did the last time.  Minus your conscience cock-blocking us.” 

It was then than Teddy realized why he’d been particularly distraught when Peeves had made a mess of his books.  Jamie had been the one to unpack the boxes of books that had sat in Teddy’s office for months after he had first arrived at Hogwarts to teach Transfiguration.  The books hadn’t been shuffled since that day – the day Jamie alphabetized Teddy’s books and kissed him for the first time.

Teddy could taste adrenaline on his tongue, and felt the warm rush of desire coursing through his veins, coloring his cheeks to match the pink tinge of the ends of his hair.  He irreverently dropped the book he’d been holding, perhaps out of shock, and asked, “Jamie, what are you doing here?” even though he could probably guess Jamie’s motives with decent accuracy.

“You weren’t at my parents’ house yesterday,” he said plainly. Teddy couldn’t read from that statement whether or not he’d been missed, and that uncertainty made him slightly bitter.

“Yeah, well, I really didn’t fancy pretending not to care while watching you pretending not to be dating Kiernan, while pretending not to be plotting how you’ll cheat on him later,” said Teddy, swiping the book off the floor and wedging it firmly between two others on the shelf with more force than was necessary.

Jamie rolled his eyes, eradicating much of the maturity that Teddy had initially perceived.  He dislodged himself from the doorway and drawled sarcastically, “Gods, the way you and dad constantly talk about Kiernan; I’m beginning to wonder if you’re secretly in love with him.”

Teddy couldn’t help himself and asked, “Are _you_ in love with him?” even though he wasn’t prepared for the possibility that Jamie might answer in the affirmative.

Jamie scoffed and sidestepped the issue like everything he was unwilling to talk about, which were most things.  “Well, I’m _here_ with _you_ , so that question is irrelevant.”

Teddy hardly realized Jamie had been approaching until he was too close.  In another step and a heartbeat, Jamie’s mouth was on Teddy’s.  It was much too easy for Teddy’s liking to let go of all that bitterness when Jamie’s kiss was so warm and sweet and sorely missed.  And it was even easier to forget that they’d been anything but in love with each other when Jamie was spread out on Teddy’s bed like the most tragically beautiful pinned butterfly.

Professional quidditch had reshaped Jamie’s arms and abdomen and legs in ways that left Teddy wondering if he were truly worthy of worshiping at the alter of Jamie’s physical perfection.  There were new lines on Jamie’s body for Teddy to trace with his lips and new ridges to map with his fingertips.

Teddy had some new lines of his own, which Jamie kissed with so much tender reverence that it nearly made Teddy weep – the distraught lines of pain that missing Jamie had etched upon Teddy’s forehead, and the weary lines of stress that work had stamped at the corners of Teddy’s eyes. Teddy knew that these lines would soon become permanent with time.  He hated being vain enough to care that his career was prematurely aging him, while Jamie’s career was making him impossibly more attractive.

The empty castle and the fact that Jamie wasn’t a student anymore afforded them more freedom than they’d ever experienced in these hallowed halls. It was nice being able to fall asleep in Teddy’s room without worrying about Jamie sneaking out before the staff awoke.  He reveled in the luxury of being able to slumber peacefully next to Jamie well past dawn, into the late morning.  And even then, Teddy wouldn’t let Jamie out of his bed, not that Jamie had shown even a hint of wanting to be anywhere but beneath Teddy.  For those blissful, carefree hours, Teddy could pretend that James was still his – not the star of the pitch, not the darling of the press, and certainly not Kiernan Bloody Ryan’s.  For those moments, Jamie belonged to Teddy as much as Teddy had always belonged to Jamie.

 

~@~

 

This is the pattern that had emerged over the next few years. Teddy would see Jamie on holidays. The times that Teddy could stomach it, he spent the holiday celebrating with the Weasley-Potter clan and inevitably fielded concerned questions from his adoptive family about his lack of love life, while he snuck narrowed-eyed glances at Jamie and Kiernan, who were slowly but steadily becoming more open about their relationship. This relationship was still undefined according to Jamie, but it had much more definition than Teddy could ever hope for in his own relationship with Jamie. 

It was still this amorphous entity that floated vaguely around nostalgia and physical attraction.  Every time Teddy slept with Jamie, Teddy could tell that it was progressively becoming more about sex and less about love.  Teddy understood that he had become the post-holiday fuck buddy – that person that James could always count on for heart wrenchingly emotional, bloody amazing sex whenever their schedules permitted it.  Because Teddy was still hopelessly in love with Jamie, and had practically zero opportunities to find someone else, there was never a good enough reason for Teddy to refuse, his fragile heart not withstanding.

It had been going on for two years – this undefined _thing_ with Jamie that had begun with so much love and so much promise. 

Both Teddy and Kiernan were twenty-six now.  Perhaps both men were growing weary of Jamie’s immaturity and unwillingness to commit to some semblance of a normal relationship. Or maybe they were just tired of sharing.  It was at the end of a particularly emotional weekend romp at a hotel in August that everything exploded between Teddy and Jamie.

“Kiernan asked me to move in with him,” Jamie said, without so much as a lead-in to ease the blow.

The fact that Jamie was actually bringing him up was so unusual that it sideswiped Teddy.  It hurt more than it should have because it came out of nowhere, after they’d just fucked spectacularly in the shower.

“How is that even going to work?” Teddy asked, roughly toweling himself dry, “You’d never be home.”

Jamie sighed impatiently as if it he’d already thought about the logistics thoroughly and didn’t particularly want to go over them with Teddy. “Yeah, I know. He knows that. He’s never home either. When the team is on the road, he’s there covering the matches for Quidditch Today. I might do it; I might not. I don’t really care either way. It’s just a flat to me. A place to put down my stuff when I’m not away.”  He was casual about it, but it somehow twisted like a knife in Teddy’s heart even more because Jamie was so glib.

Teddy snapped.  He remembered what Harry had said about watching Jamie breaking hearts and ruining lives. And even though Teddy had no sympathy for Kiernan, he was angry with Jamie for being so careless with the hearts of people who clearly loved him.

“You don’t care either way?” Teddy repeated incredulously, pulling on his clothes over his still-damp body much more forcefully than was necessary. “Jamie, this bloke is asking for a commitment and you don’t care either way?”

“I’m just being honest.”  Jamie shrugged.  He added, sarcastic and perhaps slightly offended, “Would you rather I not tell you these things? Do you want me to keep secrets from you?”

Teddy blinked, quite stunned.  “James, you are the king - no, the _Emperor_ of not telling me things.  Of course I don’t want you to hide things from me.  But, fuck - you’ve been doing it your whole life. You never told me about Kiernan in the first place.  I bloody found out about him from your sister, for fuck’s sake.  You were going to just waltz into your grandparents’ house with him on your arm and let me find out the worst way possible.”

Now Jamie was actually affronted.  “You never fucking asked.  Your letters were full of nothing.  I’m pretty good about not telling you shit you don’t want to know, and I assume you don’t want to know these things if you don’t fucking ask.”

Teddy scoffed harshly, throwing his arms up dramatically, “As if you’d actually tell me the whole truth if I ever asked.”

Jamie took that as a challenge, spitefully buttoning up his shirt as he said, “Very well.  Ask me. Ask me anything. I’ve got nothing to hide from you, Teddy.  Nothing.”

The questions came out like quickly fired hexes, which Jamie combat with swift quidditch-honed reflexes.  Each answer hurt like a reflected curse, regardless of their implications, in or against Teddy’s favor.

“Do you love Kiernan?”

“No.”

“Do you want to move in with him?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you care about him?”

“Yes.”

“Do you care about me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love me?”

That was the only time that Jamie paused.  He paused for so long that Teddy had to bite his lip to stifle a sob.  He could see in Jamie’s eyes that he was fighting back emotion as well.

“Don’t you know the answer to that, Teddy?”

All the pain and anger that had been festering beneath the surface broke through, and Teddy just lost it.  He was beyond words.  All he could do was leave, rather than stay and let Jamie hurt him any more. It was ironic how the tables had turned in the span of a handful of years – how Teddy was the one pining for Jamie’s love and Jamie was the one being reticent and vague and leading him on.

 

~@~

 

Teddy knew that there would be some serious fall-out from this row with Jamie.  But he hadn’t quite expected it to come the way it had.

It was the night before the first day of Teddy’s fourth year teaching at Hogwarts, before the students had arrived, when Harry’s voice came through the fireplace in the Transfiguration office.

“Teddy, we need to talk,” he said sternly, making Teddy feel like a kid in trouble.

Teddy rushed over to meet Harry’s face in the blue-green flames and asked frantically, “What’s wrong?  What happened?”

“Now, you and I both know that Jamie doesn’t hold his alcohol well, and he says some crazy things when he’s drunk.”  The way Harry prefaced the conversation did not bode well and Teddy instinctively tensed and felt like he was indeed in a lot of trouble. Harry continued, quite aghast, “He told the whole family - at dinner mind you - that, not only is he bisexual, which wasn’t really news, but that he’s been sleeping with _you_.”

Teddy’s jaw dropped in horror.  “He said that?” he asked, unable to respond in any other way out of panic.

“His exact words:  He’s not dating you.  He’s sleeping with you. Though he might have used a stronger word than _sleeping_.” The expression he gave Teddy through the flames demanded an explanation.

Teddy admitted flatly after taking a long, cleansing breath, “I can’t deny this, Harry.  I’m sorry.”

“How could you do this?” Harry asked, sounding utterly betrayed, and added firmly, “How could you do this to each other?  I can hardly stand to watch Jamie stringing along Kiernan all these years.  The thought of you and Jamie screwing around with each other like you don’t mean anything to one another – that’s just unbearable.  I can’t stand idly by and say nothing while you both ruin what you have. You grew up together. For all intents and purposes, you’re brothers. This is a bad idea. And it needs to stop before somebody gets irreparably hurt.  Because when somebody’s heart breaks, you won’t just be losing a lover, you’ll be losing part of your family. Family can not be replaced.”

Teddy had spent quite a lot of time worrying about Harry’s reaction to his relationship with Jamie.  But he never imagined it would feel quite like this, like he had destroyed everything that was ever good in the world, like he had fucked up royally beyond any hope of repair.  Harry was rightfully disappointed in Teddy.   He made Teddy realize something that both Teddy and Jamie had failed to recognize from the beginning – that there was so much more at stake than any other relationship either of them would ever have.  But what Harry didn’t know was that things had gone much further that just casual sex.

“It’s too late,” said Teddy, around a tearful hitch of breath. “We’ve already hurt each other so many times.  It’s been a long time, Harry.  I’m sorry we kept it from you. I’ve been in love with Jamie for at least four years, but probably more if I’m being honest with myself. And Jamie had loved me for even longer. I don’t want things to be the way they are right now.  I don’t want to just screw around with him.  I want more. I love him so much it’s killing me. I want to be with him. But we can’t.” The last statement was said with so much hopelessness that it seemed to break Harry’s heart.

“You have to let him go, Teddy,” Harry said with a forlorn sigh, “Jamie will destroy all the light that is left inside of you if you allow him to. And you will destroy him if you continue to hold him back.”

Teddy shot back like an indignant child, “But I’m not holding him back.  I’ve been trying my hardest not to hold him back.  He can do whatever he wants and he knows it.”

Harry shook his head sadly.  “As long as you keep sleeping with him, he’ll never move on. He’ll never be able to be truly happy with anybody else.”  His last words were the nail the coffin.  “This thing ends now.  From here on out, you and Jamie are god brothers and nothing more.”

At the very least, Harry had saved Teddy and Jamie the trouble of breaking up in person, or even having to discuss the matter. The owls stopped. The visits stopped. The secret rendezvous stopped.

In truth, Teddy’s whole world stopped.

 

~@~

  

“You’re coming to Christmas, right?” Lily asked after sliding into a chair next to Teddy - the seat at the staff table in the Great Hall normally reserved for the Head Boy. 

“Doubt it,” he replied, unable to look at Lily for fear of what seeing a pair of stormy blue eyes staring at him from the seat once occupied by James would do to his fragile heart.

“Seriously?” Lily asked with an incredulous huff. “When are you and Jamie going to get over yourselves?  Just because you two stopped shagging each other doesn’t exempt you from seeing your family.”

Teddy poked the uneaten mash on his plate with a fork, feeling stubborn enough to shrug off Lily’s reprimand, regardless of how true it was. “Is Jamie not coming either?” 

“He says he’s not,” Lily answered, annoyed.  “When are we supposed to discuss all the logistics of Albie and Scor’s wedding, huh?  It’s in April. We’re running out of time.”

Teddy sighed, unable to hide his weariness.  “Didn’t they hire a party planner for that?”

“Yeah, and she needs us all together to go over our roles in the ceremony.  The wedding is the first day of Hogwarts’ spring holiday.  There is no other opportunity for all of us to meet between Christmas and the wedding,” Lily explained.

“Can’t we just do this the night before?  Won’t everybody be here by then?” Teddy asked. The wedding was to be held on the grounds of Hogwarts, in a large tent by the lake.

Lily scoffed, “Are you joking?  We’ll be lucky if the whole family makes it on time to the bloody ceremony.” 

“What’s my role again?” Teddy asked, “It can’t be that hard to figure out on my own.”

“We have _the_ most important roles, Teddy,” Lily emoted proudly, “You and I are the spell casters of the rings.  Jamie’s the presenter of the rings.”

Teddy pointed out, “So, you and I can practice. We don’t really need Jamie.” The last bit hurt coming out of his mouth.  He wanted to believe it in more ways than one.

Lily buried her face in her hands with exasperation and heaved a resigned sigh.  “You are so daft, Teddy.”

Teddy jibed with very little mirth, “I think Headmaster Oglvie would say otherwise, or I wouldn’t still be teaching.”

“Look.  I’m just trying to get you and Jamie to smooth things over way in advance of the wedding. If you wait until April, you’re going to make Al’s big day really awkward and that’s not fair.”

“So Jamie and I have to come to The Burrow and make things really awkward on Christmas?  How’s that fair?” Teddy knew he was being pig-headed and selfish. But he couldn’t see Jamie again. It hurt too much to even just think about him.  Being in the same room would be torture. 

Harry had forced Teddy and Jamie to end their sexual relationship in hopes of them salvaging their relationship as brothers. But they hadn’t seen each other or spoken since the summer.  Doing something together as brothers seemed like an insurmountable task.  He would have to grin and bear it in April. He just needed more time to get over Jamie before he could start being his brother again.

 

Come April, Teddy still didn’t feel like he was over Jamie. The thought of seeing him the day before the wedding made his stomach clench.  And the idea of seeing Kiernan with Jamie as his date, made Teddy want to lose his lunch.  He spent the entire evening forcing a smile as he welcomed the immediate family of the grooms-to-be and helped the party planner usher everyone into their rooms in the castle. By the time Teddy retired to his staff quarters, Jamie had still not arrived and he was secretly thankful.

By breakfast on the day of the wedding, Hogwarts was completely overrun with Potters, Weasleys, Malfoys, Greengrasses, and other relations. While Teddy was putting on his suit, he had begun to worry for Albus’ sake that James wouldn’t show up.

Teddy was surprised to find Jamie knocking at his door, holding a garment bag.  “I’m getting dressed here, if you don’t mind.  I can’t bloody stand mum right now.  She’s freaking out about every little detail and I’m afraid she’ll bite my head off if I put my cravat on wrong.”

Seeing Jamie didn’t make his stomach clench like he had expected it to.  It made his heart flutter. How was he going to just be Jamie’s brother if he couldn’t even get over how attractive Jamie was?

“I’ll tie yours if you’ll tie mine,” Teddy offered with a little smile because he couldn’t bloody help himself.  It was so fucking good to see Jamie, despite all his trepidation.

It was amazing how Jamie had always managed to turn back time with his mere presence – how just being with him rendered irrelevant all the time and space that had separated them.  Suddenly it didn’t matter that they’d not seen each other or spoken to one another in months.  Maybe it was because Jamie really was family and nothing would ever change their easy rapport. Except you weren’t supposed to flirt with family.

“Is that a sexual euphemism?  Like _tossing salad_? Either way, I’m game,” said Jamie, stepping into the room and laying his suit on the bed.

“Isn’t it bad luck?” Teddy joked. 

Jamie started to take off his street clothes, carelessly tossing garments onto the floor like he was in his own bedroom.  “It’s only bad luck for the grooms to shag before the wedding. The groomsmen can screw all they want.”

The little smirk that Jamie tacked onto the end of the sentence made Teddy wonder if he was still joking.  By the time that Jamie stripped down to nothing, it became glaringly clear that he wasn’t joking anymore.

Teddy could only stand there and gawk, biting his bottom lip to keep his mouth from gaping, having long forgotten that he’d been in the middle of buttoning his tuxedo shirt. “Where’s Kiernan?”  He had to ask.

“He’s not coming,” Jamie answered, striding up to Teddy. From the way that Jamie looked at him, with an unwavering tempest in his ocean blue eyes, he knew he was in trouble.

With each slow step that Jamie took towards him, Teddy’s heart beat faster.  He swallowed hard. “That’s a shame,” he replied, not meaning it at all.  “Prior engagement?”

Jamie stopped in front of Teddy and smoothed his hands over the carefully pressed tuxedo shirt.  He shook his head slowly as he began to undo the work Teddy had done on the tiny buttons. “Nope. I didn’t invite him. Nor will I ever invite him to any family function ever again.”

Gently, Teddy took Jamie’s wrist to stop the quick progression towards a state of undress.  He sighed in a whisper with closed eyes, “Jamie, don’t,” sounding like he wanted Jamie to do the opposite.  Teddy couldn’t take the kernels of hope that Jamie was feeding him without it hurting.

“You can’t tell me that you don’t want me,” said Jamie, threading the fingers of his free hand through Teddy’s now bright pink hair.

“I want a lot of things,” said Teddy, his voice soft and quivering slightly, “It doesn’t mean I should have them.”

Jamie’s hand came to rest on Teddy’s cheek, which warmed beneath his touch.  “You deserve more than you allow yourself.”

Teddy’s eyes flashed open, meeting Jamie’s.  “And you think I deserve you?” he asked, quietly incredulous.

Teddy didn’t know _what_ he deserved.  He didn’t know if he deserved Jamie.  But he could not bring himself to stop Jamie when he kissed him.  The old feeling of this being forbidden had returned and it felt wrong in that delicious way it had when Jamie was a teenager and Teddy was his teacher. Because now, it wasn’t a secret, and they’d been explicitly forbidden to carry on this way.

They didn’t exactly have a lot of time to kill before the wedding, and their absence from all the preparation would surely be conspicuous. But nothing else mattered when Teddy was deep inside Jamie.  The rest of the world ceased to exist.  When Jamie moaned and writhed and came undone beneath him, Teddy was still no closer to knowing what he deserved.  But he knew what he wanted. Teddy never wanted this to end, no matter how much it hurt.  There was no going back to being just brothers, because Teddy would never stop loving Jamie.

And maybe it was irresponsible and selfish and unfair to tell him so when they were both supposed to be moving on.  But when Teddy collapsed in a spent heap above Jamie, he whispered breathlessly, “I love you, Jamie.”  From the way he spoke, it sounded like love was an affliction and that Teddy was terminally ill, like love was misery and he was hopeless to pull himself out of it.

Teddy took Jamie’s face in his hands and said, “When you go back to Dorset, I want you to remember something.  Nobody will ever love you more than I love you.”  There was pain furrowing Jamie’s brow when he spoke and it wrenched at Teddy’s heart.  “I don’t mean that I’m the best that you could ever hope for.  What I’m saying is that, no matter who you are with and no matter what they feel for you, I will always find a way to love you more.”

That’s when Jamie’s normally unaffected exterior started to really falter. His blue eyes became shiny with unshed tears.  The casual way that he always carried himself melted to show something other than sarcasm. It was as if Teddy’s words had broken something inside Jamie. 

“Teddy, you can’t do that to me,” Jamie said, his voice cracking in ways that Teddy never though it could.  “You can’t tell me you love me and just let me go like you always do.”

Teddy asked, feeling helpless, “What do you want me to do? I can’t hold you back. I’d never dream of being so selfish.”

“I want you to stop being such a pussy and fucking fight for me.” With each plea, Jamie crumbled until tears started rolling down his cheeks.  “I want you to stop being ashamed of me.  Put some fucking effort into doing something besides putting your dick in me. Show me that you love me and that you _want_ to be with me.”

Teddy was stunned speechless.  He’d never looked at his actions through Jamie’s eyes before. He had been so wrapped up in trying to move on that he never once stopped to ask if that’s really what Jamie wanted. “Jamie, I...,” he began, but found that he had nothing to say.

Jamie grew angry and sat up, moving Teddy off of him. “When I left school, you just let me go like it was nothing.  I waited two fucking years for you to come around.  And each year I thought, hey, maybe this is the year that Teddy’s finally going to tell Kiernan to fuck off.  Maybe this is the year that Teddy’s finally going to make me his proper boyfriend. Maybe he’s going to acknowledge that I fucking love him and maybe he’s going to admit to somebody else that he loves me.  That’s what I want you to do. I don’t want you to roll over and accept the fact that I’m leaving, or the fact that I’m seeing some other bloke - I want you to make me yours and tell the whole world, my dad included, to back the fuck up.”

Teddy probably could’ve argued that, despite his actions, he never let go of Jamie.  He probably could’ve been offended that Jamie was calling him a _pussy_. But he couldn’t stop smiling from ear-to-ear like a love-struck idiot.  “That’s what you really want?”

Jamie heaved an exasperated sigh, “Fucking hell, Teddy. That’s all I ever wanted since the first time you kissed me.”

“Pretty sure _you_ kissed me,” Teddy mumbled, still smiling.

Jamie rolled his eyes. “Pretty sure it was mutual. See, this is what I’m talking about. Loving me isn’t enough. You need to _own_ it.”

Teddy took Jamie’s hand.  “Then let’s do it.  Right now. Right here.”

“What?” Jamie looked at him curiously, if a bit nervous that Teddy was going to do something uncharacteristically rash.

“Great Hall.  You and me. Let’s go.”  Teddy pulled him up from the bed.

“But we’re naked.” Jamie giggled.

Teddy yanked on his trousers, threw on a dressing gown, and pulled James by the arm, who had barely just put on his tuxedo pants. He rushed down to the Great Hall where most of the family was milling about before the wedding tent was ready.

He cleared his throat loudly a few times in an attempt to gain attention in the noisy room before he kissed Jamie firmly on the lips for a good, long minute.  It wasn’t the head-turning display of affection that he had intended to make, but it was something.

“Get a room!” shouted Hugo Weasley, who was playing cards with his sister.

“Right, then,” Teddy muttered with embarrassment at his failed attempt at dramatics.  He should have known better and just left that sort of thing to Jamie.  He was far more skilled at drawing the attention of a large crowd.

“Jamie!  Teddy!  Bloody hell!” Ginny shrieked from across the room, quickly traversing the distance between them, “What in Merlin’s name are you doing?  Why are you not dressed yet!  We start in half an hour!”

“Perhaps we should just go back to your room,” Jamie suggested, pulling Teddy by the hand and running with him.  “We can try upstaging the grooms again when we’re properly dressed.”

  

~@~

 

It was summer.  Teddy loved the quiet of the castle and the beauty of the Scottish Highlands this time of year, in the lazy weeks after the school year ended.  He preferred staying at Hogwarts to going home to Gran’s, where he didn’t even fit in his bed anymore.  But really, he stayed because he had nowhere else to go - nowhere to go that he could call his own.  That needed to change.

Jamie had a short break from his summer training schedule and used the opportunity to visit Teddy.  By now, Teddy could confidently call Jamie his boyfriend, though he rarely did. The word didn’t even come close to encompassing everything that Jamie was to him.

They sat by the river at the quiet edge of Hogsmeade, faintly staring at the Shrieking Shack, holding hands like they used to years ago, when this was their _spot_ , where they’d come to escape their roles as teacher and student to just be Teddy and Jamie.

“Do you still see your dad on Halloween?” Jamie asked.

“Every year,” Teddy said, smiling wistfully. “In the tunnel between The Whomping Willow and The Shrieking Shack, without fail.”

“Tell my namesake I said _hi_ next time you see him, yeah?”

“You should come visit on Halloween and tell him yourself.” Teddy flashed a knowing grin. “You might have some important news to share with your grandfather by then.”

Jamie quirked a curious brow.  “Is that so?”

“I bought the Shrieking Shack,” Teddy admitted, still smiling like he was keeping a scandalous secret.

“Planning on making it a museum?  A memorial?  An historic landmark?” Jamie speculated, "Or are you making a terribly misguided real estate investment?

“I’m not going to do anything with it.  But I am going to use the land right next to it to have a cottage built.”  Teddy paused and Jamie glanced at him questioningly.  “I need a place to live when school’s not in session.  And I was hoping it could be… _ours._ ”

“Teddy Lupin, are you asking me what I think you’re asking?” Jamie’s lips curved into a small smirk.

Teddy looked down at their joined hands and mumbled, “I know that having your own place isn’t a priority right now and that you won’t be home much. I know it won’t be much more than a space to put down your stuff when you’re not playing quidditch. But I think we can make--,” he didn’t get to finish his sentence, for Jamie promptly cut him off with a kiss.

When their lips parted, Jamie said, “If you don’t mind that I’ll only be home like two days a year, then I don’t mind.  Those two days will be the best two days of the year because I’ll be home with you.”

Teddy beamed.  “I’m going to see you more than two days a year, though…right?”

“A few more,” Jamie nodded.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” Teddy replied.  He meant it in every sense.

He kissed Jamie’s hand, which was still laced together with his, and he never let go.


End file.
